Relationship Improvement Updates


	Relationship Improvement Update Titles Relationship Improvement Update # 7: Aspects of Healthy Communication Relationship Improvement Update # 6: Speaking Up Relationship Improvement Update # 5: Effective Listening Relationship Improvement Update # 4: Back to the Basics Relationship Improvement Update # 3: Win-Win Relationships Relationship Improvement Update # 2: Relationship Strategies and Skills Relationship Improvement Update # 1: Assertiveness Relationship Improvement Updates Relationship Improvement Update # 7 Aspects of Healthy Communication by Stephen T. Skiffington, Ph.D. quitdrinking.com Significant others in a long-term committed love relationship want to be happy in their relationship. In order to be truly happy for the long haul in a long-term committed love relationship it is essential that the two significant others engage in healthy communication. Unhealthy, maladaptive, dysfunctional, or negative communication is usually at least part of the cause when significant others have a problem in their love relationship. People are not born having healthy communication skills. Many people learn unhealthy communication skills while growing up in dysfunctional families and then use these same unhealthy communication skills with their significant others in their love relationships which damages and at times ruins their love relationships. Healthy communication skills have to be learned and often unhealthy communication skills have to be unlearned. In order to have healthy communication significant others need to have healthy attitudes about oneself, their significant other, their relationship, and the communication process. Healthy communication is facilitated between significant others when each person has healthy self-esteem and views the other person as having intrinsic value or worth as a person. It is critical for the two significant others in a long-term committed love relationship to remember that each person cannot behave in a totally independent manner and to remember that the two are interdependent on each other. That is, it is critical for the two significant others in a long-term committed love relationship to take the other person's wants and needs into consideration and to try to make mutually satisfying decisions relevant to the important issues in the relationship. Healthy communication between two significant others requires awareness, focus, effort, and practice. It is important for the two significant others in a long-term committed love relationship to view their communication with each other as a way to improve their relationship and as an indication of the quality of their relationship. Each significant other should be committed to communicating in positive ways in order to improve the quality of the relationship. Each significant other should be aware that communicating in negative ways will offend the other person and that repeatedly communicating in negative ways will damage if not eventually ruin the relationship. At one level of analysis, the goal of communication between two significant others can be viewed as solving problems. Communication between two significant others can be viewed as an attempt to find a mutually satisfactory problem solving outcome. If the two significant others in a long-term committed love relationship truly understand the importance of communicating with each other in healthy ways and then work hard on communicating with each other in healthy ways then it is likely that the two will improve the quality of their love relationship which will increase the probability that their relationship will last. Copyright Ó 2007 Stephen T. Skiffington, Ph.D. Relationship Improvement Update # 6 Speaking Up by Stephen T. Skiffington, Ph.D. quitdrinking.com In every love relationship, the time comes when one's partner will say or do something that the other partner perceives as being significantly offensive. When this occurs, the partner perceiving what has been said or done to be significantly offensive has a choice. He or she can choose to talk to his or her partner about the situation in an attempt to improve it or can choose to not talk to his or her partner about the situation and to ignore what was said or done in the hope that the behavior will never occur again. Often the latter choice is made in love relationships because the partner who has taken offense is afraid of being rejected if he or she talks about what he or she found offensive. Choosing to not talk about the situation is a passive choice and is a step towards becoming co-dependent. If the choice is made to not discuss the situation, then this will make it more likely that the partner will repeat the behavior which was found to be offensive. As the offended partner continues to not discuss the offensive behavior and as the other partner continues to engage in the offensive behavior, the more co-dependent the offended partner will become. Co-dependence is a negative psychological condition whereby a person allows himself or herself to be repeatedly abused by another person which results in the abused person experiencing a decrease in self-esteem, experiencing an increase in depression, anxiety, and anger, and becoming more dependent on the abuser. As the offended partner continues to not discuss the offensive behavior, the more angry the offended partner is likely to become which could result in the offended partner eventually exploding and subsequently verbally and/or physically abusing the other partner which is an aggressive and inappropriate response. The recommended response when one's partner says or does something that one finds significantly offensive is to assertively, rationally, and calmly talk about the offensive behavior with the goal being to effectively problem solve relevant to the behavior such that both partners are satisfied with the outcome. One possible outcome is for the offended partner to modify his or her unrealistic expectations about the behavior such that this partner no longer is offended by the words or actions. Another possible outcome is for the partner engaging in the offensive behavior to modify his or her behavior such that he or she no longer engages in the offensive behavior. It is possible that the person engaging in the offensive behavior will reject the partner who assertively addresses the offensive behavior and it is even possible that the partner engaging in the offensive behavior will terminate the relationship after being assertively confronted about the offensive behavior. If one or both of these occur, then the partner who assertively addresses the offensive behavior is better off finding out sooner than later that one or both of these will occur. If the partner engaging in the offensive behavior rejects the other partner for assertively addressing the offensive behavior, then the partner who assertively addressed the offensive behavior should evaluate the viability of the relationship. If the partner engaging in the offensive behavior terminates the relationship after the other partner assertively addresses the offensive behavior, then it is likely that the partner who assertively addressed the offensive behavior is better off being out of the relationship. Copyright Ó 2007 Stephen T. Skiffington, Ph.D. Relationship Improvement Update # 5 Effective Listening by Stephen T. Skiffington, Ph.D. quitdrinking.com Effective listening is an extremely important interpersonal skill to have for developing and maintaining healthy relationships including healthy marital relationships. Everyone wants to be listened to and this applies to the husband and wife in a marriage. In today's extremely busy world, many husbands and wives view their spouses as consistently not listening to them and this perception is unhealthy in a marriage. In order for listening to occur in a marriage, both partners must make themselves available for conversation and this is an area for improvement in many marriages. Spouses should spend some time on a daily basis for some private conversation during which each spouse shares and each spouse listens. Effective listening requires paying attention to the person doing the sharing. The listener should look at the person sharing during the conversation including engaging in much ongoing eye contact. Effective listening involves focusing on what the person doing the sharing is saying and thinking about what the person is saying during the conversation. Communicating that one is listening by giving feedback about what the person has said and/or by asking questions about what has been said is part of effective listening. When a person feels listened to, he or she will feel respected and is more likely to respond positively to the listener even if the listener does not agree with what the person doing the sharing has said. Everyone who wants to have the best possible relationships with others including with one's spouse should strive to be an effective listener. The benefits of effective listening, which is an ingredient for the development and maintenance of high quality interpersonal relationships including healthy marital relationships, make it worth the effort required to become an effective listener. In summary, effective listening is an important interpersonal skill to have and use in relationships including in marriage. In order for listening to occur, the spouses in a marriage should make themselves available for some private conversation on a daily basis. Effective listening involves looking at the person doing the talking, paying attention to the person doing the talking, focusing on and thinking about what is being said, and communicating to the person doing the talking that active listening is occurring by giving feedback about what is being said and/or by asking questions about what is being said. Effective listening will result in many benefits in interpersonal relationships including marriage. Copyright Ó 2007 Stephen T. Skiffington, Ph.D. Relationship Improvement Update # 4 Back to the Basics by Stephen T. Skiffington, Ph.D. quitdrinking.com In today's world, many husbands and wives are extremely busy earning a living and raising the children. As the years pass, the partners in a marriage can eventually be living parallel but separate lives. In such a marriage, the partners live in the same residence but don't communicate much, don't spend much time together doing positive couple activities, and don't feel close to each other. They feel lonely despite being married and living with a spouse. They doubt themselves and question their marital relationship. This level of relating will usually eventually cause much conflict in a marriage. Usually one of the partners in such a marital situation will be more upset about it than the other and often the upset partner will suggest getting into marital counseling. In marital counseling, the underlying causes of such a marital problem are relatively easily identified. The solution is for the partners to first become aware of the underlying problem, second recognize the need for more ongoing communication and involvement in positive couple activities, and third increase the amount of time spent engaging in ongoing communication and positive couple activities. Implementing these changes requires making a commitment to change, exerting effort, and creating new habits but the benefits of implementing these changes are worthwhile in terms of greatly increasing marital and personal satisfaction. Copyright Ó 2007 Stephen T. Skiffington, Ph.D. Relationship Improvement Update # 3 Win-Win Relationships by Stephen T. Skiffington, Ph.D. quitdrinking.com A win-win relationship occurs when each person in a relationship has a positive experience and gets his or her needs met in the relationship. A win-lose relationship occurs when one person gets his or her needs met in a relationship but the other person does not. A lose-lose relationship occurs when both people do not have a positive experience in the relationship and do not get their needs met in the relationship. Many relationships in the world today are either win-lose or lose-lose and in these interactions one or more of the people involved will not experience positive outcomes. When a person wants to get the most out of life, he or she should attempt to create a win-win relationship in each of his or her interactions. This is because having as many win-win relationships as possible will result in the best outcomes including happiness and will minimize the problems experienced due to relationship dysfunction. It is important to note that one person attempting to create a win-win relationship in a given interaction does not guarantee that it will occur. This is because it takes two people to create a win-win relationship. If one of the people in an interaction works to prevent a win-win relationship from happening then it will not occur. We cannot control other adults but we can control ourselves. Each person can and should take personal responsibility for working on attempting to create a win-win relationship in every interaction. Doing this will increase the degree to which a person will experience the "good life." Sometimes it is possible to positively influence a person who is not trying to achieve a win-win relationship in a given interaction such that the person begins to work on achieving a win-win relationship but this often does not occur. Copyright Ó 2007 Stephen T. Skiffington, Ph.D. Relationship Improvement Update # 2 Relationship Strategies and Skills by Stephen T. Skiffington, Ph.D. quitdrinking.com Having good interpersonal relationships results in a multitude of positive outcomes including but not limited to experiencing increased meaning in life, feeling connected, getting emotional support, and feeling good emotionally. It could be said that one's relationships with others is the most important part of life. Unfortunately, many people have a lot of problems in their relationships with others which results in a multitude of negative outcomes. Thus, for a person who wants to have the best life possible, which would include everyone, the goal should be to have the best possible relationships with others. Healthy relationship strategies and skills can be learned and through practice developed. It is in everyone's best interest to learn and use the most advanced relationship strategies and skills. Most people learn relationship strategies and skills from their relatives, teachers, and friends while they are growing up and from their relatives, coworkers, and friends in adulthood. Given the substantial benefits of positive relationships for individuals, couples, families, and society it is remarkable that there is not more emphasis put on learning and using healthy relationship strategies and skills in this country. Given the substantial interpersonal problems that many people have in couple relationships, families, communities, and society it is clear that many people should work more on learning and using healthy relationship strategies and skills. Given that there is no such thing as perfection, the truth of the matter is that everyone can make progress in using more advanced relationship strategies and skills. The benefits of learning and using more advanced relationship strategies and skills are well worth the effort for everyone. In the Relationship Improvement Update, relationship strategies and skills will be described which will hopefully help its readers improve their interpersonal effectiveness. Copyright Ó 2007 Stephen T. Skiffington, Ph.D. Relationship Improvement Update # 1 Assertiveness by Stephen T. Skiffington, Ph.D. quitdrinking.com A person can be passive, aggressive, and/or assertive. Passivity is defined here as not taking care of oneself. Passive people have low self-esteem and let others take advantage of them. They tend to experience negative emotions, especially anxiety and depression. They also experience anger after they realize that others have taken advantage of them. Many people are very passive. Aggression is defined here as verbally and/or physically assaulting another person without justification. Aggressive people are self-centered and have low frustration tolerance. They tend to have low self-esteem or inflated self-esteem. They hurt others which causes others to retaliate against them verbally and/or physically. They are angry a lot. Many people are aggressive on a regular basis. Assertiveness is defined here as pursuing getting one's needs met in a manner that takes the wants and needs of others into consideration. Assertive people are aware of their wants and needs. They have healthy self-esteem and feel good emotionally. They tend to get their needs met and have good interactions with others. Others respond positively to them. Assertiveness is healthy and recommended whereas passivity and aggressiveness are unhealthy and not recommended. Most people are generally assertive but then at times behave in passive and/or aggressive ways. Being assertive while consistently avoiding being passive and/or aggressive is the highest level of psychological and interpersonal functioning and should be everyone's goal. Each day provides an opportunity to work on being relatively more assertive, less passive, and less aggressive and I encourage everyone to take advantage of this opportunity. The benefits of experiencing improved self-esteem and positive interactions with others, feeling good emotionally, and getting one's wants and needs met will make the time spent well worth the effort. Copyright Ó 2007 Stephen T. Skiffington, Ph.D.